Joyfull tiredness!!


I’m loving being tired – it’s what I call tired from a positive place.  I’ve spent along time being tired that hurts, tired that you can’t get away from, despite hours of sleep your mind and subsequently your body is exhausted – it hurts just to think. That kind of tiredness descends on you sneakily, without realising what is happening until one day you wake up and realise it is there – you can’t shake it off without enormous amounts of strength of both mind and body.  The perception of the mind is that what you need is sleep – however sleep actually makes it worse fooling the body into thinking relaxation is on its way – but the frustration of not being able to sleep fully makes the whole situation worse and so starts a self fulfilling negative cycle, you are tired so you try to sleep; sleep makes it worse; so you try to sleep some more; you feel worse so now nothing seems like the answer.  Exercise definitely makes a difference – in a really positive way, but if you rely on that means of lifting your mood and then you can’t utilise that (due to a knee that needs replacing) then you start falling and so the blackness descends.

I have never been one for being in bed for any other reason than sleeping.  I have also always been able to break out of a grey mood or even a black one through exercise and / or giving myself a good talking to.  I now truly understand what depressive tiredness is – it is exhausting and it’s bloody awful. I will always struggle to understand those who stay there for continuously long periods of time blaming their illness for their mood without at least trying to move out of it.  Although maybe if I had given into if from the start then I wouldn’t have found myself in the mess I was in? Who knows?  Because my point is that I came out the other side through determination, will power and lots of laughter – although I have now accepted that sometimes being under the duvet is enough for that day and actually it doesn’t matter – in fact it may well be a positive thing. I tend to plan my duvet days now though which means I can make sure I’ve baked a fresh batch of chocolate fudge cake prior to being there!! I think things are improving!!

Right now I’m tired – but it’s great, I haven’t been this tired for a long time and I certainly haven’t felt this kind of tired properly for ages. It’s amazing and funnily enough totally energising. The company I work for and more importantly the people I work with are challenging me on a daily basis. I feel valued at work and valued at home. My son is on the right path and I can confidently say that is down to me – lots of others have supported and helped, but ultimately his progress and positive outlook on life is down to me and I’m proud of that (exhausted) but proud.  I love work and can’t see a time when I will ever not thrive in the culture it generates. I’m making a real difference to the business from the people that work within it to the performance at the bottom line. It’s just great. I’m tired, proper brain drain, up at 6am still working at 10pm tired. In between spending quality time with my son is proving invaluable and achievable. However the important point is that I would not (and didn’t) have believed anyone who told me I would be able to be here – even 6months ago.  That’s that point of my book – how did I get be choosing when to be under the duvet making my own cake from not being able to choose that place at all.

I am also working really hard on getting my book out there and interest is really growing – keeping up is challenging but manageable.

I feel very lucky to be this tired – not something you hear everyday!

PS I’m being filmed by ITV Hatrick productions next week – I’ll let you know how it goes!


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