Wheebles wobble but they don’t fall down!

 

I’ve had a right proper wobble these last few weeks. I am still reeling from it and not sure it’s quite over yet; but it has certainly furthered my resolve! This time though it’s knocked me for six, a real blind sider.  Although this time I have made myself stop and work through where it has come from and why and try to take stock of the whys and wherefores. Writing the blog has certainly driven me to do that though.

It was all rather silly really. Yet another challenge that I was left to deal with alone, very deliberately and for all the usual point scoring reasons; this time it hit me hard – maybe because I’m now at work and don’t have the head space to deal with it all in my usual necessary competent manner? Maybe it was just one challenge too many? Maybe a combination of all sorts!  However the tipping point was becoming divorced. It was such a huge relief that my emotions overtook my rationale brain. I really felt like I should have celebrated but wasn’t sure how. It was all out of proportion – 2 years and 1 month to get divorced from someone you were married to for not even 10% of that time? Then, as ever, the spanner in the works. Despite agreeing to everything this time last year, which was then rolled up into the divorce – it all got challenged for the financial separation piece. Yet again I was running around printing papers, driving them here, signing them there – pushing the situation to resolution. Which the court has now agreed to (Thursday last week). It’s cost me more money (that I don’t yet even have!) but it should all now be final. So my initial sense of elation has plummeted and I have found it very difficult to lift the metaphorical duvet this time around. I should be celebrating this is it the end of the difficult road. Except it isn’t – it’s always there. I have to have this awful person in my life because I love my son more than I despise him.

I also decided to move nearer to London, 7 Oaks actually. It wasn’t a decision I took lightly, but it is an easy commute to my great new job and I have friends that already live there. We went down, found a house and a school;  I even had the man and a van booked. Yet again my plans were thwarted by manipulative  playing of games. Which is just so unfair! I sound very petulant don’t I? But that’s how I feel.  I just wanted to be responsible for my own destiny for once.  But it want to be this time around (watch this space!)

I accept it all now. I’ll will never have that absolute break that I want ( and deserve) it’s as good as it gets.  I get it. I’m dealing with it. I’ll get over it. I’m moving forwards. It has  just taken me longer than maybe it should have this time, but never mind!

However it did bring into question my book publication; I think I ran out of energy and head space. I just wanted someone else to get on with it for me. They didn’t, also couldn’t so unusually for me, I just parked it. I focused on solicitors work and home life. I haven’t been able to cope with anything else. On reflection I’m annoyed with myself. I’ve coped with more before why not this time? I don’t know, but it was a big wobble!!

I’m still wobbling – but my cellulite can stand it now!!

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